Unichat: The prophet and the saint

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System: Incoming private message from user Seabiscuit:

(10:47)Seabiscuit: Ok!! So like Pancake. You know what Etamnanki is? 'Cos he's totally doing that. He has like a buncha AIs and personality clones and he's gonna start a war with gaians or something woah

/query Seabiscuit

(10:50)System: Initiating private chat with active user Seabiscuit.

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(10:50)Seabiscuit: woah

(10:50)Seabiscuit: vip access

(10:50)__RSPTN__: Hehe~

(10:51)__RSPTN__: Have you juggled badgers yet?

(10:51)Seabiscuit: :P

(10:51)Seabiscuit: I have things to tell you about Pancake!

(10:52)__RSPTN__: Oh, dear Eugene... Yes, I read your message. :)

(10:53)Seabiscuit: S- so you'll help me now, yeah?

(10:53)__RSPTN__: Oh, not at all! I implied that I'd help you in exchange for information, and had we negotiated a deal, I'd have certainly followed it! I am nothing if not a man of my word. Unfortunately, there was no deal arranged, and therefore nothing to hold me to.

(10:53)Seabiscuit: ... ;~;

(10:53)__RSPTN__: You just got played, Biscuit, like a rank amateur.

(10:54)Seabiscuit: gosh

(10:55)__RSPTN__ Gosh indeed.

System: Seabiscuit has been idle for 10 minutes - setting status to AWAY.

/query KittenLicks

(10:56)System: Initiating private chat with active user KittenLicks.

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(10:56)Seabiscuit: K- kitten?

(10:56)KittenLicks: Hey, Seafurscuit! :3

(10:56)KittenLicks: What's up?

*(10:56)Seabiscuit hug*

(10:56)Seabiscuit: I [censored]ed up D:

(10:57)KittenLicks: Aww, what hapurrened?

(10:57)Seabiscuit: I was talking to Rasputin... A- and...

(10:59)Seabiscuit: He's so mean! Holy [censored]

(10:59)KittenLicks: Yeah, he's a hissy one! It was brave of you to make the attempt, at least!

(11:00)Seabiscuit: It was stupid! I thought- I thought I could get information out of him D:

(11:00)KittenLicks: Do you think you hissed him off?

(11:00)Seabiscuit: N- no, not like that

(11:01)Seabiscuit: He just baited some information out of me and laughed at me :(

(11:01)KittenLicks: Meow, gosh, let's get him back for that! What did you tell him?

(11:01)Seabiscuit: Th- that Pancake's starting a war with Gaia...

(11:01)KittenLicks: Ah! Purrfect!

(11:02)Seabiscuit: ?!

(11:02)Seabiscuit: You think there's an oppurrtunity here?

(11:02)Seabiscuit: ...god dammit...

(11:03)KittenLicks: You can't fight the kitties!

(11:03)Seabiscuit: D: I'm not going to punch a cat!

(11:03)KittenLicks: No, of course not! We're going to punch a smug blue world domination guy over the Intfurrnet!

(11:04)Seabiscuit: ...omg

(11:04)KittenLicks: You talked to Unum earlyfurr?

(11:04)Seabiscuit: All these cat puns I can't even

(11:04)KittenLicks: It's a pretty good way to chpurr you up!

(11:04)Seabiscuit: Omg

(11:04)Seabiscuit: Ch-purr...

(11:04)Seabiscuit: Bit of a stretch, don't you think?

(11:05)KittenLicks: :3

(11:05)KittenLicks: If you pretend you're hearing the whiskfurrs of Gaia, like you did with her, I think that'll give you an oppurrtunaty!

(11:06)Seabiscuit: wh

(11:06)Seabiscuit: is that a recursive cat pun

(11:06)KittenLicks: It meowght be!

(11:07)Seabiscuit: you are a madwoman and you need to stop

(11:07)KittenLicks: You think I'm a woman?~

(11:08)Seabiscuit: A- aren't you?

(11:08)KittenLicks: So do we have a plan?

(11:09)Seabiscuit: I think so!

(11:09)KittenLicks: Good!

(11:09)KittenLicks: Now go back and purrtail!

(11:11)System: User Seabiscuit is now ACTIVE.

(11:11)Seabiscuit: W- well, I can help you more!

(11:12)__RSPTN__: What's your angle, anyway? Why are you doing this? I don't get the vibe that you know much of anything, but you've approached me as if you have some serious stake in this fight. You don't fit anyone's models. I'm curious, and somewhat alarmed.

(11:12)Seabiscuit: I just... kind of know things, I guess?

(11:13)__RSPTN__: What kinds of things?

(11:12)Seabiscuit: W- well...

(11:12)Seabiscuit: I- I hear things sometimes...

(11:12)Seabiscuit: a- about the universe ending?

(11:12)__RSPTN__: Are you a Gaian, Seabiscuit?

(11:13)Seabiscuit: no ;^;

(11:14)Seabiscuit: I spoke to Unum and she sent me to you

(11:14)Seabiscuit: She called you her "good friend Ashley", and said you could point me in the right direction...

(11:15)Seabiscuit: I don't get it, though

(11:15)Seabiscuit: Why wouldn't Unum just tell me the answer directly?

(11:16)__RSPTN__: She must see something special in you. But I have to ask, Biscuit-

(11:16)__RSPTN__: Do you know what you're getting yourself into? You mentioned Etamnanki, so clearly you know something-

(11:16)__RSPTN__: But how much, I wonder? Do you know of the great filter? Do you know of shatterpoints?

(11:17)Seabiscuit: I've heard the word, but-

(11:17)Seabiscuit: ;~;

(11:18)__RSPTN__: Then move with caution. This is not a road for the faint of heart.

(11:18)__RSPTN__: Ours is a world far unlike yours - a world of subtle powers and stratagems that make the sum total of human struggle a child's phantasmagoria against the backdrop of an uncaring cosmos. It is a world of mathematical necessity. When I move, the universe moves with me. A single misstep threatens to send the whole thing tumbling down.

(11:20)Seabiscuit: uhm

(11:20)__RSPTN__: I am fated to die at the right hand of a tyrant, remembered only for betraying my one true love. To do otherwise is to consign everyone that ever lived to ashes.

(11:21)__RSPTN__: To know the future is to be enslaved by it. If you have any common sense, you would turn back. Leave this path and live the life you deserve.

(11:21)__RSPTN__: Or, if that's not your cup of tea, you could spy on Eugene for me.

/message KittenLicks help

Xenocartographer (Official Note): And all the Rasputin/Vampire shippers died inside. Truly, I am a terrible god.

Seabiscuit: "He's so mean! "
"/message KittenLicks help"

-SNERK-

I feel so stupid, being fooled~ ;^;

"I am fated to die at the right hand of a tyrant"
Yeah I'm gonna need to flick you with a fork
b-but I mean there can be shipping before... ;^;

but but Woah everything about this page *-* edit delete reply

Dellis: "Remembered only for betraying my one true love" c.c

... Now I feel sad for Rasputin. And for Vampire. C.C edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: I was Skyping with Becky as she read that. "No! No! No!!! Evil! No!" :D

Exactly the intended reaction, from both of you~ edit delete reply

Seabiscuit: Cruelest of map makers... edit delete reply

Arbiter: Wha-?
This was not a good page to read while drunk. edit delete reply

Arbiter: CRINGE. Dangit, past Arbiter, why'd you write that?
I mean, like, I wasn't wrong though. Raspy knows the future? And is going to betray Vampire? And DIE? And BETRAY VAMPIRE? The Gaians might be right about something? AND RASPUTIN'S GOING TO BETRAY VAMPIRE?! D: To borrow my intoxicated self's turn of phrase, "wha-?"
Also, this is not the only chess club member who seems to have some sort of psychic ability. Vampire seems to have some kind of mind control power, and now that I think about it, Pancake was able to teleport a cup of coffee to pwnz0rz. At the time I thought that was a product of whatever tech he was using, but Etamnanki doesn't seem to work like that. I suppose it could be thanks to one of the other pwnz's, though. Bending time and bending space aren't all that different conceptually...
Nonetheless, this brings up a lot of questions about the chess club. We've got precognition and mind control, and possibly teleportation too. Does Theo have a power? Does meta's dad have a power? And if pwnz can time travel...
How long before this just becomes a superhero comic? :) edit delete reply

Turquoise: Can you really call it precognition when your future self already knows how the past happened? edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: Woah, it's Turquoise! Been a while since I've seen you around ~~(you should join the conspiracy of readers)~~. Rasputin definitely knows things about the future that ordinary people in his situation wouldn't know, let me put it that way. edit delete reply

Turquoise: Interesting. ~~and I have looked. just haven't said anything.~~ edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: ~~Do pls~~ edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: He's fated to be remembered for doing so, yes. I doubt Unichat will ever become a superhero comic for the simple reason that it doesn't have any art :P Unless, I mean

(13:37)Captain_Steve_America: brb, throwing my shield at a Nazi
(13:37)THEHULKISANGRY: WTF MAN JUST ROAR AT THEM LIKE I DO
(13:37)Deadpool: Do you think the people in the comments have a chimichanga? edit delete reply

Arbiter: I WILL PAY YOU TO MAKE THIS A THING. edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: I accept payment via PayPal, Magic cards, and human souls. edit delete reply

KittenLicks: Do you accept kitty lives? I have a bunch spare. edit delete reply

Xenocartographer: DON'T HURT KITTIES! edit delete reply

Seabiscuit: Alright, let's try pestering Rasputin some more...
/message __RSPTN__ ;~~~~; M-my condolences... that's the worst most tragic thing I've heard in a long time
/message __RSPTN__ B-buuut I'm your biggest fan and I'll totally help you in any way I can against Pancake I wanna sea him go down! B-but, I also want a guarantee I'll get that password... edit delete reply