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/message reply ?! You wanna meet me in moon-butt, or should I query you?
(20:28)EntropicPhantom: Hey, meta, Sonja's asking for me in PM.
(20:28)metampsychotic: that's okay! go do boyfriend things
(20:28)EntropicPhantom: I don't think it's... quite like that, but thanks.
(20:28)SonjaOfTheMoon: Hey, you.
(20:29)EntropicPhantom: What's up?
(20:30)SonjaOfTheMoon: Just the growing realization that I'm not all that high on my parent's list of priorities.
(20:30)EntropicPhantom: Ah, jeez...
*(20:30)SonjaOfTheMoon is hugged*
(20:31)SonjaOfTheMoon: This month has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions. I wish I could just... confide in them, but it feels like confiding in a stranger.
(20:31)EntropicPhantom: If you need someone to listen, you've got a boyfriend...
(20:32)SonjaOfTheMoon: I suppose I do. <3
(20:32)EntropicPhantom: <3 !
(20:33)EntropicPhantom: S- so, if you wanna tell me things...?
(20:35)SonjaOfTheMoon: ...nah, that's alright, but thanks.
(20:36)SonjaOfTheMoon: I'm not so much asking for advice as...
(20:38)SonjaOfTheMoon: Gods. First this job, then your game thing,
then that dead guy that you're not really supposed to know about, then Luke and meta, then us, and now I've got this trip coming up, and blah.
(20:38)EntropicPhantom: I think you're telling me things.
(20:38)SonjaOfTheMoon: [censored], you're right. Oh well.
(20:39)SonjaOfTheMoon: It hasn't been monotonically bad, but this is far and away the busiest couple weeks I've ever had, and I'm not used to that. Not at all.
(20:39)SonjaOfTheMoon: I used to just study, study, study, and wonder when it would all ever be worth it. Then I met meta, she introduced me to you and Luke, and now I'm starting to wonder if I actually have a place in the world after all.
(20:40)SonjaOfTheMoon: I just created an AI. An actual realtime AI that can run on commercially available hardware. I am a god.
(20:40)SonjaOfTheMoon: But gods don't get hunted by evil breakfast foods.
(20:41)EntropicPhantom: That... sounds like a pretty apt summary of recent events. Hey, I know you're not supposed to talk about it, but telling me how you feel about the dead guy should be okay, right?
(20:41)SonjaOfTheMoon: Oh, gods, where do I even begin... ugh, you're not even supposed to know about that investigation
and I haven't told my parents you know, which is... not helping.
(20:42)EntropicPhantom: Strictly speaking, it wasn't classified when you told me.
(20:42)SonjaOfTheMoon: I feel like I should feel worse about it than I do.
(20:43)SonjaOfTheMoon: A man is dead and all I can think is "eh".
(20:44)SonjaOfTheMoon: That's a risk you accept living up here. Except I never accepted it. I was never given the choice.
(20:44)SonjaOfTheMoon: Mom used to make a big deal that they had to get special permission to have me. She said they wanted a kid, and they had to wait for someone to get curious what happens to someone's developmental biology if she's born up here.
(20:44)SonjaOfTheMoon: Well, now they know. You get someone who's sickly and weak and completely isolated from the rest of humanity because, whoop-de-do, they're down on not the gods-damned moon.
(20:46)EntropicPhantom: H- hey, I'm here, at least...
(20:47)SonjaOfTheMoon: I want to kiss you, Alex. I want to actually [censored] you, not just roleplay it out in a chat terminal. I want to hang out at a coffeeshop with friends after class - hell, I want to actually go to class instead of watching a recording of one in my room, in my friggin pajamas because why bother getting dressed when there's nowhere to go?
(20:48)EntropicPhantom: If it's any consolation, people don't always get dressed for class down here,
and I wouldn't mind [censored]ing you, either. B- but yeah, I getya. :(
(20:48)EntropicPhantom: There's gotta be a counselor up there somewhere...
(20:49)SonjaOfTheMoon: There are several, and I've thought about it. I dunno, man. If I can't talk to my own parents, I'm not sure how an actual stranger's going to help.
(20:49)SonjaOfTheMoon: Besides, I'm too used to solving problems by myself.
(20:50)EntropicPhantom: I'm not sure social isolation is a problem you can solve by yourself. It's kinda about other people.
(20:51)SonjaOfTheMoon: ...okay, fair, you've got a point there. I'm not exactly interested in befriending a therapist, though - no offense to the profession, of course, but if that's the relationship we have- you know what I mean.
(20:52)EntropicPhantom: Yeah, no, of course not, but it is a starting point. They're trained for this kind of thing, and I know you're the only one your age up there, but there have to be some people in their thirties...
(20:53)SonjaOfTheMoon: There are and I have no idea how to approach them.
(20:54)EntropicPhantom: That's just it, though. It's something you can practice!
(20:55)EntropicPhantom: Hehe~ Well, I'm a pretty gregarious sorta person, but I was cripplingly shy for my younger years. I ended up joining a roleplay group online, and that's what got me moving in the right direction. It was a safe way to practice.
(20:56)SonjaOfTheMoon: That's good advice, but you're missing the point.
(20:56)SonjaOfTheMoon: I'm an experiment. My mom made a big deal out of that when I was a kid. They can't possibly not love me - look at all the effort they had to go through to even have me!
(20:56)SonjaOfTheMoon: I've come to realize the effort was true, but her conclusion wasn't. I don't think she's had the same realization.
(20:56)SonjaOfTheMoon: I want to be loved, Alex - and please don't remind me that I have a boyfriend now, this isn't the right time for that.
(20:56)SonjaOfTheMoon: The experiment's over. They got what they wanted, data on microgravitational developmental physiology, and I'm just... vestigial. Unneeded. No longer interesting.
(20:59)SonjaOfTheMoon: I should never have been born.
(21:00)EntropicPhantom: I can think of at least three people who would dispute that.
(21:00)SonjaOfTheMoon: Frankly, I don't get it. What do you see in me?
(21:01)EntropicPhantom: You're a generally decent person that knows how to listen, and you're our friend.
(21:01)SonjaOfTheMoon: But WHY?
(21:03)SonjaOfTheMoon: What possible reason is there to care about me?!
*(21:04)SonjaOfTheMoon is hugged*
(21:05)EntropicPhantom: Look, uh, pwnz is an annoying little [censored] some of the time, yeah?
(21:05)SonjaOfTheMoon: Most of the time.
(21:05)EntropicPhantom: Okay, most of the time. I know he confides in you.
(21:06)SonjaOfTheMoon: I suppose he does.
(21:07)EntropicPhantom: How do you feel about that?
(21:09)SonjaOfTheMoon: I dunno. I don't really have much understanding of his issues. Where is this going?
(21:09)EntropicPhantom: You don't need to understand them to understand that he's upset, though, right?
(21:10)SonjaOfTheMoon: I guess. I mean, I'm upset about enough things that other people don't get myself. :/
(21:10)EntropicPhantom: Why do you let someone who's annoying and immature "most" of the time vent at you?
(21:11)SonjaOfTheMoon: Good question. I don't really have an answer. I guess, if he needs someone to talk to, I'm not gonna be the kind of person who refuses.
I'm not my mother.
(21:11)EntropicPhantom: Could it be that you care about him?
(21:11)SonjaOfTheMoon: I guess.
(21:14)SonjaOfTheMoon: Dunno. I just do.
(21:17)SonjaOfTheMoon: I dunno. I never thought about it that way.
(21:17)SonjaOfTheMoon: Well played.
(21:17)EntropicPhantom: H- have I given you something to think about?
(21:18)SonjaOfTheMoon: I guess so, yeah.
(21:21)SonjaOfTheMoon: When I first started talking to meta, she was mostly curious about life up here. That made sense to me. She still is, but she asks... other things, too, and that... doesn't.
(21:21)SonjaOfTheMoon: And I can't help but feel like we've drifted apart.
(21:22)EntropicPhantom: That happens a lot with her. I think she likes to watch conversations more than actively participate in them. I'm sure you've noticed.
(21:22)SonjaOfTheMoon: Yeah, she's very passive, from what I can tell. But it's more that I had no idea how to tell her what she wanted to know.
(21:23)SonjaOfTheMoon: And I was kinda rude :/
(21:23)EntropicPhantom: I don't think she holds it against you, but she's online right now if you wanna bring it up.
(21:24)SonjaOfTheMoon: Some other time, maybe.
(21:24)SonjaOfTheMoon: You're the first person I've really gotten close to and not felt like I chased off, and frankly, I have no idea how. It's scary and confusing. I'm exploring a very foreign part of being human. I love you, Alex, but I'm also terrified of you.
(21:26)EntropicPhantom: I'm not really sure how to respond to that.
(21:26)SonjaOfTheMoon: That's how I feel about the vast majority of things.
(21:27)EntropicPhantom: Point taken.
(21:28)SonjaOfTheMoon: I need to find something proactive to do. There's got to be some way I can avoid being stuck on the [censored] moon the rest of my life. Or at least I have to believe there is.
(21:29)EntropicPhantom: Build some braces to shore up your skeleton?
(21:30)SonjaOfTheMoon: Maybe. It's a good idea, but I'm not all that well-versed in physics. I don't want to build something that'll fall apart in gravity and I can't really test it, either.
(21:31)EntropicPhantom: I'm a physics major.
(21:31)SonjaOfTheMoon: Good, you caught my implication.
(21:32)EntropicPhantom: It's a start, but I'd still like you to talk to a counselor. Don't get me wrong, I'm always willing to listen, it's not that. They'd just know how to help better than I would.
(21:33)SonjaOfTheMoon: Okay, promise me something.
(21:34)SonjaOfTheMoon: Promise me you'll help with this only if I do that.
(21:35)EntropicPhantom: Uh, sure, if you think that'd help.
(21:35)SonjaOfTheMoon: I do. Talking to someone in person is scary too, and- yeah.
(21:36)EntropicPhantom: I promise. <3
(21:37)SonjaOfTheMoon: Not to change the topic, but is meta still around? She had some tips for Asphodel for me.
(21:38)EntropicPhantom: Pretty sure that's changing the subject :P And yeah, sec-
(21:38)System: Users in #moon-butt:
(21:38)EntropicPhantom: Yeah, she's. You wanna chat her up?
(21:38)SonjaOfTheMoon: Y- yeah, just- gonna take a sec to dry my face first. Can you make my apologies for me?
(21:38)EntropicPhantom: Can do. <3