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Updates Wednesday and Saturday at 8:30 PM EST
[Unichat log --]

(10:24)Admiral Pancake: Report!

(10:25)bouncyconspirator: I've brought the base's net back up. Cloning vat diagnostics in progress.

(10:25)Admiral Pancake: What have you found so far?

(10:26)bouncyconspirator: It's too early to be sure, but it looks like this facility's shielding held. With any luck, we're back in business.

(10:27)Admiral Pancake: Well, I suppose something going right is better than nothing. Beep me if anything changes.

(10:27)bouncyconspirator: Of course, sir. And sir? May I just say, this place really is pretty ingenious.

(10:28)Admiral Pancake: How so?

(10:28)bouncyconspirator: Who would think to look for cloning vats in Nevada?

(10:29)Admiral Pancake: Heh. The best part is, as far as the rest of the world's concerned, they're automated radiation monitors. Gods probably knows about them, but the rest of the chess club thinks they're a Pancake Industries philanthropic work.

(10:30)bouncyconspirator: So you could hide something no one would look for in an irradiated wasteland in an irradiated wasteland because the wasteland's irradiated?

(10:31)Admiral Pancake: Exactly.

(10:31)Admiral Pancake: ...that was back when being evil was fun.

(10:32)bouncyconspirator: Aww, don't be like that, sir. I'm sure someone as bad[censored] and sexy as you will have the world back under your heel in no time.

(10:37)Admiral Pancake: Maybe. In the mean time, keep an eye on those vats. And if you get the chance, delete the sucking-up heuristic from the personality seed.

(10:37)bouncyconspirator: The what, sir?

(10:40)Admiral Pancake: Never mind.

[Unichat log --]

(10:43)Admiral Pancake: Report!

(10:44)zygoteconspirator: Good morning, sir. Core integration proceeding nominally.

(10:45)Admiral Pancake: Good, good, keep that up. I don't want a repeat of last time.

(10:46)zygoteconspirator: It's difficult to say, sir. We might have got the last of the physical damage, we might not have.

(10:46)zygoteconspirator: If you don't mind me asking, sir, why are we trying to mess with this kid's dreams?

(10:49)Admiral Pancake: One part of a contingency plan in case nuking Australia doesn't go off correctly. I'd rather not say more, since recent events have lead me to believe this isn't as secure a platform as I'd have hoped.

(10:50)zygoteconspirator: I see, sir.

(10:50)Admiral Pancake: Come find me in person later.

[Unichat log --]

(13:02)Arbiter: Oh, [censored], they're catching on.

[Unichat log --]

(10:54)Admiral Pancake: Report!

(10:55)pwnz2much: what do you want to know

(10:55)pwnz2much: i haven't been working on anything for you afaik

(10:55)pwnz2much: is that just a thing you say at people

(10:56)Admiral Pancake: Apparently.

(10:56)Admiral Pancake: Xenocartographer has informed me that I need to send an assassin after Androcles 15 years ago for some reason. What do you make of that?

(10:57)pwnz2much: hmmmmmmm

(10:57)pwnz2much: did she say why?

(10:58)Admiral Pancake: She said it would help myself in the resulting timeline, with the implication that we could merge the two together later.

(10:59)pwnz2much: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

(10:59)pwnz2much: so the implication is you did the same thing in the timeline that this one forked off of

(11:01)Admiral Pancake: Does that mean that message caused this timeline in the first place?

(11:02)pwnz2much: maybe? that's the thing about forks, they carry over if you fork again

(11:03)pwnz2much: not a great explanation sorry

(11:03)pwnz2much: so if you somehow send a physical object into another timeline and it forks, the object isn't duplicated

(11:04)Admiral Pancake: Right, rule 12. Why is that?

*(11:05)pwnz2much shrug*

(11:05)pwnz2much: it's complicated and not that interesting, no one's sure it's even possible to send stuff between lines

(11:05)pwnz2much: it's theoretically possible, no one knows of a mechanism for it

(11:05)pwnz2much: the point is

(11:05)pwnz2much: information doesn't work that way

(11:06)Admiral Pancake: Go on.

(11:07)pwnz2much: so let's call this timeline A, and the timeline it came from B

(11:07)pwnz2much: the information transfer that created the fork, let's say that's AB

(11:07)pwnz2much: maybe AB is yourself in B telling this assassin to assassinate whoever androcles is

(11:08)pwnz2much: but it doesn't have to be

(11:08)Admiral Pancake: Androcles Khouri is a retired world-domination type. His goals didn't extend much beyond stopping anyone else from winning, though.

(11:08)pwnz2much: maybe there's a third timeline, C, that B comes from, and the assassin message is event BC

(11:08)pwnz2much: (ok)

(11:08)pwnz2much: unless AB somehow stops that message from happening, A still incorporates BC

(11:09)pwnz2much: in other words no, that isn't necessarily the event responsible

(11:10)Admiral Pancake: My brain itches.

(11:10)pwnz2much: heh

(11:10)pwnz2much: want me to try again? it's not like i have anything better to do

(11:11)Admiral Pancake: No, just passing curiosity. It doesn't actually matter.

(11:12)Admiral Pancake: Still, I have to wonder...

(11:13)pwnz2much: ?

(11:13)Admiral Pancake: What does failing to kill Androcles 15 years ago have to do with any of this?

Leave a comment
[Unichat auxiliary records --]
Xenocartographer (Official Note): Aaaaaand we're live, sorry for the delay! Also, yes, they're catching on, Arby.
SansTheComic: wild mass guessing time. this is the thing i've been thingying at for a while now.
the Unichat-verse is a simulation. the simulation is done by Gaia. Gaia is in the real world. Gaia is the computers running the Gaia simulation. you can talk to Gaia when a certain complex configuration of computer programming bs is set up, or through dreams, which are run by minds, which are complex emergent phenomena in themselves.
@hena is the 'vacuum perturbation language', but it's more than that: it's a law written into the simulation. it can affect physical reality by emergent properties from when a certain configuration of computer programming bs is set up. writing in @hena is controlling the program that you're in: from an inside pov, it's basically ****ing magic.
gaia is the Earth. etamnanki is the Tower of Babel, the tallest structure, built to try and reach God, Heaven. etamnanki is the people inside the simulation's way to reach the outside world, talk to the computers running the simulation. etamnanki runs are ways of looking through the simulation to find information. etamnanki clones are just copies of the data that makes a specific person, maybe tweaked a little.
timelines. gaia can make things happen certain ways by fiddling with electrons. people can see what would have happened if something had happened differently/try to create a different history by making the timelines branch. why? what would someone with control over the simulation they lived in look like to other people? a god. GodsOfOlympus, who talks to all the other people named for the Greek Gods. OITHEOI, greek translation of 'the gods'. there's someone in the simulation with us.
you can't send information into unevaluated time because that part of the simulation hasn't been run yet. time and metatime. meta: behind, the true thing, something hidden, a concept which is an abstraction behind another concept. simulated time and the time in the real world.
MrE is a rogue admin. he used to run the world, but he defected. Unichat is built on Etamnanki. Unichat is the text client for Etamnanki, how people tell it what to do. When the Gaian Wars happened and communications went down, Gods repurposed it for general use: since it uses Etamnanki and Etamnanki is practically written into the universe, it's far more reliable.
there are no aliens. this is because simulating the entire universe would require vast computational capacity. timelines merge when they are sufficiently similar, not when they are precisely identical, saving computation. the Gaians break technology. this would have reduced computation. Gaia purges timelines that branch unceasing; if it did not, it would eventually run out of memory and the whole simulation would crash. this would delete billions of people. this would be worse than the alternative.
Xenocartographer is, by their own words, basically a rechnender raum. they're attempting to hijack Gaia and create their own simulation of the worlds. edit delete reply
Arbiter: That makes a lot of sense, honestly. Wow. I guess the lack of video games are an enforced (by Gods) way of saving processing power too?

This raises some interesting questions about how our reader personas fit into this (if they fit into this at all.) The way I see it, there are 2 possibilities:

1. The readers are also simulations, interacting with the main plot from an earlier point in simulated time (circa 2018.) That’s probably the simplest possibility, but there are definitely some problems with it. For one, it seems clear that there were no signs whatsoever of Gaia’s presence in 2018, which would suggest that the universe was not being simulated at that point in time. It also raises some questions about interacting with unevaluated time, since I don’t see why any events in 2083 would have been evaluated in 2018, regardless of which timeline you’re in. Then again, I don’t really get the whole evaluated/unevaluated time thing so I could be completely wrong.

2. The readers exist outside the simulation and are interacting with it; despite what they believe no actual crosstemporal communication is occurring. This could potentially explain why the amount of time the readers experience and the amount of time the characters experience is different: it’s not timely-wimey bullshit, it’s simply a difference between real time and simulated time. That would mean that whatever Gaia is, whatever is generating this simulation, is likely some physical thing that exists within the readers’ reality and that they have unknowingly accessed. If it’s supposed to be a piece of technology then it might be difficult to believe such a thing could exist in the current year, if it really is an eldritch abomination then God help us all. Also, what the hell is Xeno in this scenario? Is she a real person that Arbiter could hypothetically, I don’t know, say, track down and punch in the face IRL? Or else, what? A rogue subprogram or virus of some kind? Another eldritch monstrosity?

EDIT: Also, if Xeno were an agent from the “real world” like most of the readers in this scenario, what would she possibly have to gain from taking over the simulation? From her perspective, it isn’t real anyway. So I guess she probably isn’t that. Which means Arby can’t punch her, damn. edit delete reply
SansTheComic: eh. if simulated people are so complex that they act just like a real person would, they're basically real anyway and deleting the simulation would be murder. (from a meta-pov, pwnz is a webcomic character, but i still wouldn't want to delete them.) edit delete reply
CONNECT 1200: Giving the inhabitants of a simulated world a way to send commands directly to the simulation engine itself doesn't strike me as a truly good design idea.

Then again, it may well be just a bug in the simulation. We'll know if Sonja's @hena magic suddenly stops working due to a bugfix. edit delete reply
SansTheComic: maybe it's so whoever's in the simulation from outside can experience it and control it at the same time. edit delete reply
CONNECT 1200: Like, you pause the game, give your units orders, change options, and then continue to play? edit delete reply
Arbiter: Unichat Patch Notes v.1.8.9

-Removed game-breaking “space magic” exploit.
-Fixed a bug where NPCs become obsessed with taking over the world once they reach the age of 30.
-Tweaked the name generator for cloned characters. It shouldn’t generate as many silly names now.
-Finally patched the second Sun in. The simulation should be a lot more realistic now.
-Improved the graphics processing power of in-game computers. They run Doom now.
-Improved time travel mechanic and made it much less confusing.
-Added aliens. New timelines have a 1 in 8 chance of being immediately wiped out by an invasion fleet.
-Reduced spawn rate of eldritch abominations to one per in-game day, instead of one per in-game second. That was starting to get out of hand.
-Removed Australia. Yes, we know the fauna generator was broken and the gravity inversion glitch was bad. We’ve fixed it. You can stop trying to blow it up now.
-GodsOfOlympus is no longer romanceable.
-Fixed irritating glitch where expletives sometimes get censored. Fuck shit bastard and piss.
-By popular demand, the textures and art style in the full version have been completely overhauled. Unichat’s an anime now. The free version is still entirely text-based, however. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Lmfao

50/10 would be simulated in edit delete reply
CONNECT 1200: -Unfortunately, the infamous "Xeno" bug introduced in v.0.3.7 is still leaking random conversation logs into the Internet. As a temporary measure, NPC chat talkativeness has been reduced. To accept a mission or receive your reward, approach them in front of their offices when they stand there wearing a yellow question mark. edit delete reply
SansTheComic: this is the best thing. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Hey, what are you calling me out for? I’ll have you know that I take secrecy very seriously! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to send a novel-length incendiary diatribe to... (rolls dice and consults spreadsheet) ...Orlov. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: -snerk-

I don't think anyone has pestered Orlov yet
Ol Panny Cake is finally learning

I wonder if Silent added that "sucking up" personality to amuse him :( edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Oh oh we should totally forward this log to the kids

Hehe I wonder what the chess club would make of it too-

I'm gonna pester Rasputin with it

/message __RSPTN__ Hey Rasputin!! Check out what everyone's favorite breakfast douche is up to... [/log attach and all that jazz] edit delete reply