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Updates Wednesday and Saturday at 8:30 PM EST
[Unichat log --]
[Unichat log --]

(09:01)pwnz0rz: ok

(09:01)pwnz0rz: now what

(09:02)Admiral Pancake: You're going to play a game.

(09:02)pwnz0rz: ...sure

(09:02)pwnz0rz: whatever you say

(09:03)Admiral Pancake: You'll see an old-school choose-your-own-adventure game. Click links to guide your avatar through the game world. You'll get a sense of how it works after that.

(09:03)Admiral Pancake: Once you've completed the game, you'll be prompted for a password. If you think you know it, enter it. Otherwise... guess.

(09:04)pwnz0rz: ok

[Unichat log --]

(13:43)Bulwark: Okay, that's all very weird, but forced how?

(13:43)metampsychotic: he kidnapped our friend alex

(13:43)metampsychotic: or, well

(13:43)metampsychotic: he THOUGHT he did, it didn't actually work?

(13:44)metampsychotic: luke thought panak had him though

(13:45)Bulwark: Hold up.

(13:45)metampsychotic: (you met alex! he's our priestess)

(13:45)Bulwark: No, that wasn't the question.

(13:45)metampsychotic: heh

(13:45)Bulwark: Eugene Pancake, international philanothropist, kidnapped your friend to make your other friend play a video game about time travel?

(13:45)Bulwark: I'm having a hard time believing this.

(13:45)metampsychotic: D:

(13:45)metampsychotic: but i know about ana being kidnapped!

(13:45)Bulwark: It's not that hard to find out if you know where to look.

(13:45)metampsychotic: i know your cat's name is erwin

(13:46)Bulwark: I've mentioned that to Luke.

(13:47)metampsychotic: i know that the day of the kidnapping was when his symptoms really flared up, and that the cat tried to protect him from people making him go to school

(13:47)metampsychotic: he's a long haired siamese cat and he's usually so chill that it's scary when he hisses

(13:48)metampsychotic: ana didn't care much for him until then but they've been buddies ever since

(13:49)metampsychotic: and erwin gets over protective every time ana's doing badly, you've honestly considered some kind of empathetic link or at least you did on the day in question

/message pwnz0rz ...is the [censored] cat an ematnanki sensitive

(13:53)Bulwark: And then what happened?

[Unichat log --]

Go to school.

Reluctantly, you board the school bus. Erwin scrambles after you before Hannah picks him up and makes soothing noises.


The school bus explodes. Blood oozes from where your legs used to be as you black out.

[Unichat log --]

(09:13)Admiral Pancake: Welcome back. Now take a guess.

(09:13)pwnz0rz: dude ifdk

(09:13)Admiral Pancake: Take a guess. It is essential to my objectives and your friend's continued existence that you submit the bloody form.

Leave a comment
[Unichat auxiliary records --]
Xenocartographer (Official Note): SUBMIT THE FORM BEFORE COMMENTING/READING COMMENTS! (You'll know when you're at the proper end when there's no more form.)
Seabiscuit: Oh gosh, the bus EXPLODED?? D-did the other kids die?>:

"...is the [censored] cat an ematnanki sensitive"

Erwin is the greatest cat ever even if you totally ganked that name from me edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: It not explode, gosh (SUBMIT THE HECKING FORM) edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: I'M DUMB GOSH HAVE MERCY edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Haha, poor Pancake.

In one day, he created (and lost) a time traveler, lost his other time traveler, lost his waifu, lost his spess ship, lost his space wizard slave, lost half his minions, and was exposed to dangerous amounts of radiation. Fun! edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: Well, maybe he shouldn't have tried to take over the world. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: kinkshaming our favorite evil pastry overlord smh edit delete reply
Arbiter: Why doesn’t ComicFury have a like button? Both for this page and this conversation. edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: <3 To answer your original question, yes, in that timeline. Fortunately, that timeline got vanished into never-existedness. edit delete reply
SansTheComic: lol, found the easter eggs. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Oh, so there were Easter eggs. I had a feeling there might be, but after entering Arbiter-Is-The-Best and a bunch of Hot Fuzz references I ran out of ideas for what to guess. edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: Try submitting the correct code early, or a blank code. edit delete reply
Xylas_Incarnum: ... you know, I think it'd be easier to take over the world using Videogames than whatever Pancake's doing. Given the circumstances. edit delete reply
Xylas_Incarnum: /Login TheDerangedOne
/message GodsOfOlympus Hey what's a fella gotta do to find a copy of 1994's Doom 2 on the net these days?
Also: Did you know the Akashic Records are mostly Porn?

eh, gotta let my madness vent every now and then I guess. edit delete reply
CONNECT 1200: atdl
Carrier has arrived.

Uh. Sorry. Great page, Xeno. Really.

In other news, I've created a new topic on the forum to discuss the absence of true video games in this ugly future world. Everybody equally confused is welcome. edit delete reply
Arbiter: I knew Gold Anarchy Mental Illness Quest was going to kick ass and I wasn’t disappointed. This was a really clever idea and I was genuinely enthralled by what was going on. Presenting the meta/Bulwark and Pancake/pwnz interactions simultaneously was a great framing device too, and the Pancake roast at the end was so good it was like I wrote it myself.
Also, something I noticed:
When Ana was young, his school bus driver placed explosives on the bus, but because he didn’t board (thanks to pwnzing of tiem I guess) he wasn’t harmed. His sister didn’t get on because she was sick.
When meta was young, one of her teachers was arrested on terrorism charges, but she wasn’t at school because she was sick.
Pancake seems to have been involved in both incidents.
There fucking has to be a connection here.
Also, calling it now, Erwin is going to be the most important character in Unichat. Erwin, then DOGFOODLID, then Captain Koreaboo, then maybe Sonja. edit delete reply
CONNECT 1200: But of course. There had to be a reason for an Exalted One to abandon his aftermeal sleep to protect his pet. Now this webcomic(?) is pawned just like the rest of Internet. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: "There had to be a reason for an Exalted One to abandon his aftermeal sleep to protect his pet."

Yes with this page Erwin is officially the hero Unichat deserves

Oh gosh Erwin is more than 15 years old hes probably not long for this world ;~~; edit delete reply
Arbiter: Assuming he’s even mortal. edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: They both happened 15 years ago, too. And yes. Erwin is the best cat. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Was what happened to meta related to time travel training as well? If so, you have no idea how hyped I am for Grey Hanbok Assassination Quest. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Hmm, some crack theory thoughts;

Clearly the Gaians wanted Ana alive for whatever they wanted from him, since they ganked him and either let him go or he was rescued... Either way, he's been living rather peacefully and gaian free ever since

So why risk murdering him with a bomb on the bus? I mean holy shit his legs got blown off

I'm wondering if the bus driver was trying to kill him, and the folks that kidnapped him were trying to stop that

Then again the gaians are apparently bomb happy terrorists so it does fit their MO I guess edit delete reply
Arbiter: Maybe they knew if the bomb did go off, Gaia would just end the timeline anyway, so they set themselves up to capture him when he inevitably ran away? Shatterpoint protection, right? edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: More serious reply: it's an interesting idea, but why wouldn't they take the simpler option and just kidnap him on the bus? Or detonate the explosives, knowing his shatterpoint status would stop him from dying, then capture him while he's weakened? Just something to think about - you're on an interesting track and I'm not saying you're wrong, but you're missing part of it. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Maybe... it was a test? They had their suspicions, but they wanted to check if he really was a precog/shatterpoint/subject to pwnzing of tiem/whatever it was exactly that made him interesting to them before kidnapping him. He had no reason to avoid getting on the bus, so the only reason why he wouldn't is if some supernatural force stopped him, which would confirm that he was the one they were looking for. If he wasn't the right target, he'd get on the bus and die and they'd know he wasn't as important as they thought he was. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Could that be the reason why the Gaians seem to love blowing shit up so much? In order to understand Gaia’s will for the universe, they need to know which people it thinks are important. If Gaia has a plan for someone, it will ensure they live long enough to accomplish their purpose by terminating any timeline where they die prematurely or are otherwise prevented from fulfilling their destiny, making them a shatterpoint. The Gaians have insight into who some potential shatterpoints might be, but they can’t be sure, so they perform acts of terrorism that, if successful would kill or otherwise incapacitate the potential shatterpoint. If it succeeds, that person wasn’t actually important, and if it fails, their shatterpoint status is confirmed. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Oh!! I bet you're onto something there... edit delete reply
Temp Shoulder Angel: ...Do we know that ana is involved in a shatterpoint? edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: It hasn't been confirmed, no. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Gosh, I forgot to consider shatterpoints~ edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: Y'all don't even realize how hecking nice it is waking up to eight comments ;^;

That's as many as four twos, and that's amazing edit delete reply
SansTheComic: now i'm thinking about portals. edit delete reply
Temp Shoulder Angel: Hrm. Panaknake tricked Luke into getting the silent conspiracy future wiki code for him? edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Hehe, another bonus of teaching him to pwnz tiem, I guess.
Oh, but Pancake is *not* gonna be happy when he reads that article... His day just gets worse and worse. edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: He did! Gold star for the angel :) edit delete reply
FallenLeaves: Just want to say that I'm still trying to get that bloody authcode. Do you think I should say everything I know to Rasputin and see what he does? Or have we tried something like this already?
EDIT: Whoops. Forgot about KittenLicks on 93. I'm at my wits' end. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Maybe we’re not supposed to know it yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
raven0ak thinks that “Bad-Things-Will-Happen” might be useful somewhere, and I’m inclined to agree. Evidently not in the Gaia code, but maybe elsewhere? edit delete reply
FallenLeaves: Document updated. And I know I meant to try that before getting sidetracked by Gaia, as usual.
EDIT: Also, I'm not sure what to make of this new information. edit delete reply
SansTheComic: holy crap wtf edit delete reply
SansTheComic: updated my timeline thing with some minor stuff. might help if anyone is confused about things. stressing the might. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Xeno is doing midterms and shit what a nerd pls standby
image edit delete reply
Arbiter: I love this gif, wow. edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: Haha! Did this a few months back for fun, seemed fitting here ;) edit delete reply