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Updates Wednesday and Saturday at 8:30 PM EST
[Unichat log --]

(17:54)ThatOneVampChick: So I've found something interesting!

(17:54)__RSPTN__: Hmm?

(17:55)ThatOneVampChick: A way to set up what you asked for, give the continued presence of those aircraft in Australia extra legitimacy, and make a homophobe look stupid, all at once.

(17:56)__RSPTN__: <3

[Unichat log --]

/message Xenocartographer Okay. I'm listening.

(18:12)System: User Xenocartographer is initiating a private chat.


(18:13)Xenocartographer: What's your situation?

(18:17)Admiral Pancake: If I say where I am, will the others be able to pick up on it?

(18:18)Xenocartographer: Probably. Circumlocute if you think it's important.

(18:19)Admiral Pancake: I've reactivated an old outpost of mine and brought in conspirators from other Earthside garrisons. It's a pretty [censored]y situation, but it's livable.

(18:20)Admiral Pancake: Gods, what the [censored] is your problem with swearing?! You'll permit this, but heaven forbid I dare express exasperation about it?

(18:21)Xenocartographer: Heh.

(18:22)Xenocartographer: When you run the world, you can have it removed. :P

(18:26)Admiral Pancake: I'm not in the mood for jokes.

(18:27)Xenocartographer: Sorry.

(18:28)Xenocartographer: So, we're coming up on a metatime jump. Believe it or not, this timeline is responsible for one of the pwnz0rz instances that have been helping you.

(18:29)Admiral Pancake: Okay, let me think that through.

(18:30)Admiral Pancake: Responsible how?

(18:31)Xenocartographer: He's based in an offshoot timeline that happened not long ago.

(18:32)Admiral Pancake: I need a moment.

(18:36)Admiral Pancake: The timeline fork happened, then someone sent information back to the past, creating an offshoot in the first offshoot's meta-future, then merged this timeline into the second offshoot.

(18:37)Xenocartographer: Got it in one. The trick was forcing evaluation of the future surrounding the merge point to make it retroactive.

(18:39)Admiral Pancake: It was you?

(18:41)Xenocartographer: But of course. Everything that has transpired in this timeline has been my design... is what I would say if I were a cliche supervillain. I've been orchestrating events for your benefit for a long time, though.

(18:43)Admiral Pancake: [censored] you.

(18:44)Xenocartographer: I'm sorry, it was a shatterpoint.

(18:45)Admiral Pancake: First I've heard of that.

(18:46)Xenocartographer: "[S]pace magic" is extremely important to timelines that don't exist yet, but that Gaia cares out.

(18:48)Admiral Pancake: I guess I can believe that, with how much of a cosmic plaything life's decided to make me.

(18:49)Xenocartographer: You tried to take over the world; you can't really blame circumstance.

(18:51)Admiral Pancake: Again, [censored] you.

(18:51)Xenocartographer: No, I mean.

(18:52)Xenocartographer: Are you seriously telling me you're ambitious enough to get here, then just give up?

(18:53)Xenocartographer: You're a supervillain, Eugene! So your girlfriend's dead? Rewrite [censored] history! Tear this timeline apart and build a new one that does what you want!

(18:54)Xenocartographer: That's what she would tell you.

(18:56)Admiral Pancake: How the [censored] can you possibly know that?

(18:58)Xenocartographer: Before I formed you in the world I knew you. I'm the closest thing this hellhole of a setting has to a benevolent goddess. Get used to it.

(19:00)Admiral Pancake: Uhm, okay.

(19:02)Xenocartographer: So, Australia. Rasputin's nearly got that one taken care of for us. As far as the Aussies know, his planes are there as reinforcements against a Gaian hunter/killer unit. With the explosion taken care of, we just needed to get you involved in the merge.

(19:03)Xenocartographer: Oh, before I forget. The metatime jump I mentioned?

(19:04)Admiral Pancake: What about it?

(19:05)Xenocartographer: Well, it's just, this isn't the last iteration of this timeline. There's something the next version of yourself will need to benefit from the same phenomenon.

(19:06)Admiral Pancake: Do I care? I don't really want to get dragged into a competition with my alternate selves.

(19:07)Xenocartographer: But you can collaborate with them. Imagine how much easier this merge would be with the "destination" timeline's Eugene helping you.

(19:10)Admiral Pancake: Right. What do I do?

(19:11)Xenocartographer: You send a message to someone in the past - and yes, it has to come from you. An assassin, who you need to hire to assassinate meta's father 15 years ago.

(19:12)Xenocartographer: Needless to say, it doesn't work... but the specifics of how the assassination plays out are what let the next iteration of me set up the next iteration of the same jump.

(19:13)Admiral Pancake: My head hurts. And it says they're banned.

(19:14)Xenocartographer: Yes, as a result of trying to assassinate MrE. Which implies they're not banned before that.

(19:15)Admiral Pancake: And then we'll kill millions of people?

(19:16)Xenocartographer: Yes.

Leave a comment
[Unichat auxiliary records --]
Xenocartographer (Official Note): Well, better late than never. Arby, you're welcome.
LightBringer: What are we thanking the king of fast food for? edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: Arbiter should be thanking me for using one of his ridiculous nicknames in canon. edit delete reply
Arbiter: :DDDDDDDDD edit delete reply
Seabiscuit: "Uhm, okay."

Lmfao yeah I'm with Panny Cake here :D

"-who you need to hire to assassinate meta's father 15 years ago."


Also holy shit the name Captain Koreaboo is CANON!! edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: I mean, it's current Pancake, just sending the message back in time. And it's really Xeno's fault anyway. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Just cuz he’s a sadboi, doesn’t mean he’s not a badboi.

I wonder if we’re going to get to see Pancake contact Captain K. I can’t help but wonder how an assassin who likes to LARP as a Korean pirate king would even act in a conversation.

“Yeoboseyo, matey-nim. Be there a scallywag ye want taken out o’ the picture?” edit delete reply
Xenocartographer: Can I even give Xeno Points to a traitor? Cos I want to. edit delete reply
Arbiter: Let’s be honest, if you could I’d basically have a monopoly on the whole market by now. Then I’d be the only one who could buy doomsday devices, Iain M. Banks merch, and whatever else that cryptocurrency is good for. edit delete reply
FallenLeaves: If you do get any doomsday devices, can I borrow one? I have a really neat plan involving Pascal's mugging, a willingness to follow through on threats and blackmailing several major governments.
Of course, what I mean is, if you get hold of a doomsday device, can you be really likely to give it to me, then not?
If I tell you the plan, that might make you less likely to give it to me, and then the whole thing falls apart. So I'll split the proceeds, and I promise that it might not kill you. edit delete reply